A little bit of my Heart

My whole life had been in shambles from things like: my dad being a severe alcoholic, a car accident that almost killed me, being sexually abused, my sister dying at a young age, my mom going into depression, and the end of my junior year in high school-we were being evicted from our home. This really rocked my world because this meant I had to change schools going into my senior year, quit soccer, not go to church, and everything else I loved. I decided at this point it was best for me to leave my parents and find somewhere else to go, I had no idea where I would stay, how I would eat, how I could finish school and survive. I looked to God in the midst of the nasty storm in my life and He took care of me. For the next 8 years, although I was taken care of, there still seemed to be uncertainty in my life.  I really started to lose faith around this point because I never thought I would get out of this circle of my life. I had a youth pastors spouse tell me that I would never be anything. That I would turn out just like the rest of my family, unmarried, pregnant, a drug user, and a drunk. I began to believe this and because I was always told these things and lived in it, I started to believe it and acted on it. I did many things I regret ever doing but in doing these things I learned I wanted nothing more to do with this part of my life and I could be better than this and I would show everyone that I was capable!! I still bounced house to house, I had to say goodbye to many of those who truly cared about me as I left to go away to college alone, I had no idea how I could manage to pay for college, live on my own, work, and study. Through it all, God never left my side and in 2011 I graduated college, something I always dreamed of but never thought I would have the chance to succeed! I did it and I did it for me! Even after college, life was still rocky, I still bounced around, I still was unsure how I could live, but again, God opened a door to a teaching job and I survived one more year without my parents or all of those negative people in my life. Throughout all this time, I always wished my parents would come around and want me, to want to be a part of my life, but my hopes were always crushed because they only wanted my money (what little I had) and when I didn’t do what they wanted, they would yell, cuss, and tell me how horrible I am. I never wanted to hurt anyone but I knew I had to do this for myself. I knew I couldn’t turn back to their lifestyle. I was very active in church, made wonderful friends, and my life continued even through the pain I suffered from daily.
God had much bigger and better plans for my life and it was laid upon my heart to really consider teaching overseas. Before reality even sank in, I was on a plane heading to Moscow to start a life there. My whole world was about to change, again. I was unsure how I was actually going to handle it after reality sank it and jet lag wore off but God knew what he was doing and exactly what I needed in my life! Moving across the ocean into the total unknown all alone was extremely frightening. It was rough living so far away from people that I loved and a church that had always been there for me through all the storms. I must say, that in all my years of heartache and change, being here in Moscow I have felt so much more encouragement and sense of belonging that I have ever felt. I am accepted here for me and it is a great feeling to have. I had many rocky moments my first year in Moscow but I made it through with Gods continual guidance and faithfulness. I am now ending my second year in Moscow and I am preparing how to say goodbyes once again. I am prepping for yet another change in my life. I don’t know where life is going to take me. I don’t know where I will stay, how I make it once I move home again, but the one thing that is still constant is Gods love and Faithfulness through it all. God still continues to show Himself to me in all of the storms and changes of my life, it is my job to trust and obey what He is calling me to do.
I am not good at goodbyes, I never have been. I keep telling myself, “the more I do them, the easier it will get.” That is a lie! It will never be easy to tell my true friends and family goodbye or until next time. I have met some amazing people here in Moscow that I can call family and I know I can always call on them. As I begin to process all of this “change” that is about to happen, a lot of pain along with happy memories rise to the surface. I will miss Moscow very much, maybe not all the cold and lack of sunshine, but I will miss the love, support, encouragement, and friendship! I believe that my being here in Moscow has brought me to be a different person with a new perspective. I am going back home a new changed person with a better understanding of who I truly am! Being here in Moscow, I have found ME!!!